#Float (2022) Movie Review - The Worst Horror Movie Ever?
Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are reviewing #Float from 2022. This is another Tubi movie so is part of our Horror on Tubi feature. Allow me to start by saying wow, I did not realise that horror movies could be this bad. This movie is, unequivocally, the worst horror movie I have watched in years. I actually feel offended by just how terrible it is and am left with that distinctly unsettling feeling of trauma that only comes form despicable horror. This movie has a 2.7/10 on IMDB and I think that is way too generous.
#Float follows a group of twenty somethings heading out on vacation. Each year they float along a river, drinking too much and being passive aggressive to each other. This year is a little different, one of their friends, apparently, had “mental trouble” and used “drugs to self medicate”. Their words not mine. And decided that the rest of his life would be better spent as a pile of ash. Wanting to celebrate his, err, legacy and to have a good time. The group decide to go ahead with the trip anyways. But the river has other things in mind for them this year.
Things Go So Wrong So Fast
The first hint that something may be amiss here is the terrible script. I was tempted to say that it is the scene of the friends dancing with the urn in the back of the RV on the way to the river. But that feels a bit too easy. I was also tempted to say that it was the terrible audio dub making the movie sound like a 60’s Kung Fu flick. But, alas, those things are nowhere near as bad as the remedial script.
One character remarks on how they shouldn’t be going to the river because their friend died on it. Another friend replies that he overdosed so that doesn’t count. Another friend interjects with how said friend loved the trip more than anyone. Before regaling them with a tale about when deceased friend brought along a sling shot and launched beers at people..
Seriously, Launched Beer Cans!
Yes, entire cans of beer launched from a slingshot. “Classic Chuy” she says. As one eye droops lazily out of focus due to the head trauma she suffered from being dinged by one of the aforementioned beer cans. I am not sure whether deceased drug addict friend not being there is actually a bad thing. But the whole conversation is utterly hilarious.
It doesn’t stop there. “Well here he is” she says as she holds the urn aloft. “The beer is going to miss him too” another friend says. Before the driver replies, in not so many words. “So will the cocaine because he was a drug addict that died of a drug overdose and that is funny somehow”. All the friends laugh. “We all party a little too hard. It’s not Chuy’s fault he had a problem”. Insightful words from an insightful character. Utterly remedial shit and you better hunker down because you are in for 75 minutes of this utter dreck.
Laughable!
It’s utterly farcical and the silliness extends to the story itself. Scene after scene of unbelievable ridiculousness from a group of characters who never once act in a believable manner. I hate to spoil but in one scene, a child goes missing on the lake. Only two of the cast go looking for the child.. Two of them. Something that would drive whole communities to up sticks and go searching only provokes two of them into action. That’s just one of the completely ludicrous and unbelievable ways in which these characters act. There are many, many, more.
What makes it even worse is that the movie attempts to go for some type of emotion on a number of occasions. Never managing to land it and never managing to produce anything other than pseudo-sentimental drivel. It’s hilarious and pitiful all at the same time. These parts are made infinitely worse by the terrible music playing in the background. Desperately attempting to guide the viewer’s emotions away from disgust and hilarity to some kind of sadness for the characters in question.
Everything here is just so poorly put together. There is barely a single thread of an actual story left. No creativity at all. No actually fleshed out and constructed threat. Nothing. Everything feels completely disconnected. Things happen for no reason at all and nothing is given even a single iota of explanation. This is one of the most poorly written and poorly put together horror movies I have ever watched.
A Horrible Group of Characters
#Float might feature one of the most unlikable group of assholes ever put to film. There isn’t a decent character in the entire bunch. Kali is a self centered, egotistical, self righteous, nob head who talks down to everyone around her. Madison is exactly what you would expect from a character called Madison in a teen horror; annoying, arrogant, argumentative and irrational. Zola is a lifelong loser who couldn’t give two shits about her child and Jackson is an absolute charisma vacuum with no personality at all. Dee is slightly less annoying than the rest but the writers more than make up for it with her actions later on in the movie.
All of these characters pale in comparison to the absolutely abhorrent Blake, however. The phrase “prick hole” is thrown around a lot these days but it is never more applicable than when describing Blake. Blake is one of the worst characters I have ever seen in a horror movie. From his smarmy facial expressions to his tendency to sulk, right down to the awful way he chews gum. He is horrible and incredibly poorly written. The crazy thing is, he isn’t presented as a bad guy. The script writer actually went out of their way to give him some redeeming qualities.
Poor Acting
Acting is generally awful. Kate Mayhew, as Kali, starts out okay but totally loses it half way through, seemingly looking jaded and tired of trying. By the final ten minutes she is utterly checked out and completely unable to emote. I can only assume that Grant Morningstar, as Blake, is either a generational talent who can portray a complete prick of a character perfectly or he might just be a bit of a Blake himself.
Kaya Coleman, as Dee, seemed bored throughout and struggles mightily when called upon to actually emote. She also seemed completely awkward when asked to dance for Blake but with how much of a prick he is, that is understandable. Everyone is just really checked out and extremely low grade. I’d say make the most of these actors now because I don’t see them doing much down the line. I can’t entirely blame them, though. The script here is so bad that I imagine they just couldn’t invest in what they were being asked to do.
Zac Locke’s direction is terrible. This movie is all over the place. Continuity is incredibly messy and there is an almost out of sequence feeling to events. Actors are poorly motivated, there are a huge number of goofs and the entire thing is just amateur as amateur gets. Surprise surprise, the director of #Float was a producer on the equally shocking 2019 version of Black Christmas. I guess horribly awful movies are just what this dude does. It’s worth pointing out that the way he structures his female relationships is horribly offensive and misogynistic as well and I say this as a dude.
Should You Watch #Float?
I have given way too much time to this movie. This movie deserves all the scorn in the world. #Float is the worst horror movie I have reviewed on this site. A terrible story, bad acting, ridiculous and unbelievable character reactions, an unlikable cast, a terrible script. There’s just too many things to point out about this beyond poor horror movie. Please don’t believe the other horror review sites when they talk shit like this up. They either have incentive to do it or are just plain bad reviewers. If it isn’t bad enough, they stick an entire music video at the end of the movie. Yes, an entire music video. What a joke!