We are 10 days into December and that can mean only one thing. It is time to open our Awful Advent Calendar and see what is behind door 10. God, I feel so stupid for being excited for this movie. I am actually kind of embarrassed. We recently reviewed Glen Morgan’s Black Christmas from 2006 and didn’t have many positive things to say. So, with that in mind, does Sophia Takal’s 2019 version fare any better? Spoiler alert – No, it fares a lot worse.
You may remember Sophia Takal as Stephanie in the Second Honeymoon segment of V/H/S. She is an actor and director who has popped up quite a lot in the indie movie scene and had some success. Her take on the Black Christmas story attempts to take the series in a whole new direction.
Sharing almost nothing in common with the original 1974 classic. A college fraternity appears to be randomly killing female college students but nobody is taking it seriously. It’s down to a group of women to defend themselves and their sisters against the threat, whatever the cost.
Coal in my Stocking!
I have to be honest, I completely regret reviewing this movie. It was only due to watching the 2006 remake that I actually decided to go with it. Full disclosure, I was amped when I heard about this film. Stupid, I know. Everyone else was pissed that Hollywood had decided to remake the beloved 1974 movie, yet again. I had a different view. I loved Black Christmas and the idea of a brand new version from an established female director. Aiming to kick some ass and take names really had me excited.
My fiancee, and I, grabbed some wine, sat down in front of the log burner just before Christmas and watched. Allow me to revert to a millennial mall girl for a second. O.M.G! We thought it was absolute trash. What the hell happened? I knew there was a possibility it could suck but suck this bad? That came out of left field.
Believing that we, perhaps, didn’t give the Glen Morgan version a fair shake. We decided to watch the 2006 version of Black Christmas immediately after. You know, for comparison’s sake. Our suspicions proved to be true. Glen Morgan’s version was miles better. How bad does a movie have to be to make someone appreciate Glen Morgan’s God awful version of Black Christmas? Pretty damn bad, is the answer. Pretty damn bad.
Christmas Slasher Horror
Sophia Takal’s version of Black Christmas is nothing at all like the 1974 version. Searching for a single hint of the taut atmosphere that made the original great is a waste of time. Wishing for any of the original’s palpable tension results in abject disappointment. In fact, the similarities end at the name. Tributes to Bob Clark’s proto-slasher, horror, classic stretch to the naming of a cat and a few utterly redundant scenes. This movie absolutely did not need to carry the Black Christmas name. In fact, it’s almost a crime that it does. Why does such a beloved movie have to keep being penetrated in every orifice by such enormously awful remakes?
Although it maintains the similar slasher style of the previous movies. The film is set over multiple days and the killings take place over an entire town. The claustrophobic feeling of the original has completely gone. We now have a milquetoast slasher vibe filled with generic locations. This is “slasher by the numbers” sans the tension and scares that typically come along with the genre. Awful, awful stuff and a complete waste of everyone’s time.
Into the Meat Grinder
We could get into the terrible camera work, poor direction, awful pacing, drab set design, lack of scares, the general cheap, amateur feel of everything and poor character development. But why bother when we can talk about Black Christmas’ extensive cast of vapid, one dimensional, characters. Set up like cannon fodder, they are dispatched of in quick succession with nary a care from the rest of the cast. The movie seeks to elaborate on only one character, Rachel Riley. Rachel is suffering from PTSD due to a sexual assault. It becomes apparent that said assault was perpetrated by DKO “frat bro” Brian.
Desiring revenge. She performs a cabaret style song accusing Brian of rape in front of the entire fraternity. Feeling somewhat vindicated, she suddenly begins to receive text messages. Women around her start disappearing. Her concerns are brushed off by friends and the police and, naturally, she fears for her life. Cue up the usual slasher shenanigans, rinse and repeat. Oh, and for good measure. Why not throw in some absolutely ludicrous supernatural goings on? That could help to explain away some of the events? Right? Yes, I am serious and it is as farcical as it sounds.
All of these events lead up to an ending that feels extremely disjointed from the rest of the film. It’s as if Takal watched Sucker Punch and thought it was based on a true story. Unrealistic and fairly dismissive of the genuine, terrifying, threat men pose to women. It’s as lacklustre as the rest of the movie and a poor attempt to make up for the weak, cookie cutter, presentation of feminism.
Awful Acting
Acting, outside of Imogen Poots as Rachel, is pretty awful. Poots does an okay job and really tries to work with the terrible script. The women have a fairly natural rapport with each other. Perhaps they spent a decent amount of time together on set. They had to do something while Takal and Wolfe were writing the script in-between shots.
There is a distinct feeling of overacting, throughout. This is particularly noteworthy with a couple of characters. Aleyse Shannon, as Kris, wants every single drop of the limelight. Someone should have been hired purely to stop her from chewing the scenery. The director sure as hell doesn’t bother reigning her in. Her “main character syndrome” is even evident on the front cover. She will likely annoy you incredibly quickly but she is not the only offender. Nathalie Morris, as Fran, is just as bad. She has a permanent fixed grin that makes me think they were lacing the rice krispies with cocaine.
Many of the characters are so painfully underdeveloped that they don’t get a chance to shine. Madeline Adams seemed fine as Helena. Her final scenes are so poorly written, however, it undermines her performance. Lily Donoghue, as Marty, is okay but is very much a background character. Caleb Eberhardt was unremarkable as Landon. All of the jock “bros” were embarrassingly bad. Simon Mead, as Nate, has one expression.. Honestly, one expression. He uses it the entire film, even when Marty’s is in danger. I would say he is out of his depth but this movie is so bad I think he is only about chest deep.
Not Cary Elwes, Anything but Cary Elwes
Unfortunately, someone thought Cary Elwes would be a good casting choice. Can we stop giving this dude work? He was a train wreck in Saw and he is almost as bad here. At least they allow him to use his actual accent because he sure as hell can’t do an American one. Elwes hams it up so much towards the latter parts of the movie that he comes across like a 60’s Batman villain. Sans the charm. Much like he did with Saw, his biggest accomplishment here is vanquishing the already dying threat of any tension.
A lot of the acting problems boil down to poor direction. Takal is out of her depth and lets her cast have carte blanche to portray their characters however they want. I assume this is to lend some authenticity to the relationships but it just doesn’t work. Much of which is thanks to the lack of talent present in said cast. Takal frequently pushes pointless plot elements to the front of the picture, sacrificing character development and scares. It seems like she was more concerned with appealing to a crowd of young social media feminists. Rather than real people who could take something from the movie and value the narrative.
The script, written by Takal and April Wolfe, is pretty terrible. While not quite as bad as Greg Morgan’s script from the 2006 Black Christmas. The characters are so poorly written that Black Christmas feels like a high school drama production. It’s very basic. Even worse is that the story simply doesn’t support growth. The women here have no depth to their characters. Motivations beyond base level survival and Tumblr level feminism rants are not expanded on. It is woefully disappointing. Character development is very important when you want a viewer to care about your cast. There is a distinct “Young Adult” literature feeling to everything which lends the movie a feeling of redundancy.
A Real Misstep
I was pretty amped at the idea of a remake of Black Christmas that doubled down on the original movie’s feminist themes. But I am, honestly, not even sure if Takal has watched the 1974 version. You know, that movie where the main character is a pregnant woman who is so driven by her future career goals that she is willing to split with her boyfriend and terminate the pregnancy. Regardless of whether he supports her or not. The one where a bunch of strong women attempt to survive a violent killer together? Looking after each other, caring for each other and fighting until the end.
Perhaps the scene between Jess and her boyfriend slipped her mind. The one where Jess rejects her partner’s insistence that she keep their baby. You know, because she wants to finish university and have a career. The result being that her boyfriend throws a violent strop in the music room, completely aware that this woman is too strong willed to change her mind. The very same woman who, later, defies the objections of a male police officer to charge back into the house, in the face of certain death, to save her friend.
Either she has never seen this movie or, apparently, all of that wasn’t feminist enough. Takal’s version of Black Christmas aims to fix all of that by talking about menstrual cups, dildos, and whether or not women can use the phrase “taking a dump”. Takal’s version of Black Christmas conforms to a plastic, prosthetic, social media based idea of feminism. It’s not real and it is horrendously unsatisfying for anyone who hoped for more. What a disappointment.
Should You Watch Black Christmas?
No, just no, you shouldn’t watch Black Christmas. It misses the mark in every way. It’s a lazy cash in on a beloved classic horror movie. If I didn’t know any better, I would assume it was a money laundering picture and nothing more.
