#Float (2022) Movie Review – The Worst Horror Ever?
#Float is a movie about an obnoxious bunch of twenty-somethings and the heroic river that decides to fight back. A bunch of annoying pricks on their annual prickathon vacation. Float along on rafts, passive aggressively taking pot shots at each other, drinking, and doing a brilliant job of being unlikable. Before the river decides it is thoroughly sick of their bullshit and decides to mess up their day.
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Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are reviewing #Float from 2022. This movie is part of our Summer Scares Feature. Something I have cobbled together at the last minute to make it a little bit easier to pick films to review during the warmer months. Original, eh? All of these films will have a distinctly summery vibe. Be it warm weather, sun, sand or sea. Yes, there will be sharks. In fact, there will probably be sharks in 90% of these movies. Summer camps too. And bikinis.. Did I mention sharks?
Oh Dear God!
Oh shit, I did not realise that horror movies could be this bad. This movie is, unequivocally, the worst horror movie I have watched in years. I actually feel offended by just how terrible it is. I’m left with that distinctly unsettling feeling of trauma associated with this title. As if I met it walking down a dark street. Only for it to pull down its pants, bend over and proceed to spread cheeks right in front of me. This movie has troubled me in a very specific kind of way.
#Float has actually made me genuinely consider going through all my reviews to up every movie’s score by half a star. Purely so I could emphasise just how bad this horror film is. #Float is now the benchmark for bad horror as far as I am concerned. This movie has a 2.7/10 on IMDB and I think that is way too generous. What’s even worse, is that some of the other horror review sites have given it a positive review. Okay so that isn’t saying much. I am fairly sure that most of them would give two stars to a healthy sized turd. Purely based on the effort expended by the person who delivered said turd to the earth. But still; there is absolutely nothing of merit in this movie.
Starts Off Okay
What’s quite shocking is that this movie actually starts off fairly promisingly…. Kind of. I mean, it hints at some of the absurdity to come. Particularly when one of the characters picks up the urn of their recently deceased friend. Only to make it clear that this poor fucker’s cremains are being forced to accompany this bunch of cretins on their journey. But it doesn’t seem all that bad, to begin with.
#Float follows a group of twenty somethings heading out on vacation. Each year they float along a river drinking too much and being passive aggressive to each other. This year is a little different. One of their friends apparently had “mental trouble” and used “drugs to self medicate”. Their words not mine. And decided that the rest of his life would be better spent as a pile of ash. Wanting to celebrate his, err, legacy and to have a good time. The group decide to go ahead with the trip anyways. But the river has other things in mind for them this year.
So far, so not the worst thing I have ever seen. The group are all in their twenties. Something which I have been complaining about a lot lately as most casts have been towing 30 for at least a few years. I’m looking at you Captive. The plot is fairly middle of the road for horror. The cinematography seems okay and the acting starts out pretty competent. Things are looking average, at worst.
Things Go So Wrong So Fast
The first hint that something may be amiss here is the terrible script. I was tempted to say that it is the scene of the friends dancing with the urn in the back of the RV on the way to the river. But that feels a bit too easy; despite all the questions it raises. I was also tempted to say that it was the terrible audio dub. Making the movie sound like a 60’s Kung Fu flick. But, alas, those things are nowhere near as bad as the script. The script here is horrific. The characters chat about their deceased friend and talk about their upcoming trip in a way that could be best described as remedial.
One character remarks on how they shouldn’t be going to the river because their friend died on it. Another friend replies that he overdosed so that doesn’t count. Another friend interjects with how said friend loved the trip more than anyone. Before regaling them with a tale about when deceased friend brought along a sling shot and launched beers at people.. Yes, entire cans of beer launched from a slingshot. “Classic Chuy” she says. As one eye droops lazily out of focus due to the head trauma she suffered from being dinged by one of the aforementioned beer cans. I am not sure whether deceased drug addict friend not being there is actually a bad thing. But the whole conversation is utterly hilarious.
It doesn’t stop there. “Well here he is” she says as she holds the urn aloft. “The beer is going to miss him too” another friend says. Before the driver replies, in not so many words. “So will the cocaine because he was a drug addict that died of a drug overdose and that is funny somehow”. All the friends laugh. “We all party a little too hard. It’s not Chuy’s fault he had a problem”. Insightful words from an insightful character. Utterly remedial shit and you better hunker down because you are in for 75 minutes of this utter dreck.
Social Media Influencer Stuff…… Again
As if talking about cocaine and launching beer cans at people’s heads wasn’t a good enough way to relate to the youth of today. One of our characters here, Kali, is a fledgling social media influencer. She has an insane follower count so, apparently, needs to vlog every five minutes. Much to the detriment of her friendships and relationship. And by insane, I mean 2,000. This character repeatedly talks about her aspirations of becoming a social media mega star. And constantly refers to her career as an influencer while only having 2,000 followers.
You can tell this movie was written by someone who spends most of their time dealing with the realities of age related back pain and male pattern baldness. It is so painfully out of touch. Needless to say, you will be seeing a lot of vlog style segments here. As well as seeing characters argue about Kali’s “career” and the fact that she gave up med school to do it. It’s pretty pointless but eventually ties into some of the later parts. Albeit in a pretty insignificant manner.
Completely Ridiculous in Parts
Some of the things that happen in #Float will have you doing a double take. Characters react to events in ways I have never seen characters in horror react before. Whether it is completely ignoring horrific deaths. Or watching on passively as an innocent person is brutally murdered. It is beyond anything I have ever seen before in horror. I am not one for spoiling movies. I really hate to do that. But I have to mention one scene to illustrate just how utterly farcical this movie is. If you don’t want to be spoiled, scroll past this part.
It is so completely ridiculous and completely beyond anything I have ever seen in horror. This happens throughout. With characters consistently reacting in a totally inappropriate manner to the things going on around them. Even when people are being brutally torn apart in front of them. Not one single character ever emphasises the severity of their situation. In fact, not one of them seems to even be aware of what is going on.
What makes it even worse is that the movie attempts to go for some type of emotion on a number of occasions. Never managing to land it and never managing to produce anything other than pseudo-sentimental drivel. A drawn out scene where a character carelessly dumps Chuy’s ashes into the water while eulogizing him. Is made all the more hilarious by the other characters walking through his cremains like they aren’t even there.
A later scene where a character attempts to comfort a child drags on and on and on. Feeling almost like a parody of a Hallmark movie scene. All while the joyful child smiles on. Completely unaware of the implications of what said character is saying. It’s hilarious and pitiful all at the same time. These parts are made infinitely worse by the terrible music playing in the background. Desperately attempting to guide the viewer’s emotions away from disgust and hilarity to some kind of sadness for the characters in question.
Everything here is just so poorly put together. There is barely a single thread of an actual story left. No creativity at all. No actually fleshed out and constructed threat. Nothing. Everything feels completely disconnected. Things happen for no reason at all and nothing is given even a single iota of explanation. This is one of the most poorly written and poorly put together horror movies I have ever watched.
A Horrible Group of Characters
On top of all of that, #Float might feature one of the most unlikable group of assholes ever put to film. There isn’t a decent character in the entire bunch. Kali is a self centered, egotistical, self righteous, nob head who talks down to everyone around her. Madison is exactly what you would expect from a character called Madison in a teen horror. Annoying, arrogant, argumentative and irrational. Zola is a lifelong loser who couldn’t give two shits about her child and Jackson is an absolute charisma vacuum with no personality at all. Dee is slightly less annoying than the rest but the writers more than make up for it with her actions later on in the movie. I am starting to understand why writers use Millennial characters if this is their idea of what people from Gen Z are like.
All of these characters pale in comparison to the absolutely abhorrent Blake, however. The phrase “prick hole” is thrown around a lot these days. But it is never more applicable than when describing Blake. Blake is one of the worst characters I have ever seen in a horror movie. From his smarmy facial expressions to his tendency to sulk. Right down to the awful way he chews gum. He is horrible and incredibly poorly written. The crazy thing is, he isn’t presented as a bad guy. The script writer actually went out of their way to give him some redeemable qualities. Actually using this complete twat of a human as a way to further belittle the female characters.
Acting is generally awful. Kate Mayhew, as Kali, starts out okay but totally loses it half way through. Seemingly looking jaded and tired of trying. By the final ten minutes she is utterly checked out and completely unable to emote. I can only assume that Grant Morningstar, as Blake, is either a generational talent who can portray a complete prick of a character perfectly. Or he might just be a bit of a Blake himself.
Kaya Coleman, as Dee, seemed bored throughout and struggles mightily when called upon to actually emote. She also seemed completely awkward when asked to dance for Blake. But with how much of a prick he is, that is understandable. Everyone is just really checked out and extremely low grade. I’d say make the most of these actors now because I don’t see them doing much down the line. I can’t entirely blame them, though. The script here is so bad that I imagine they just couldn’t invest in what they were being asked to do.
What a Surprise!
Zac Locke’s direction is terrible. This movie is all over the place. Continuity is incredibly messy and there is an almost out of sequence feeling to events. In one scene, a character runs away from the same dead body three or four times, one after another. I don’t know whether this was a conscious decision or an editing mishap. But, either way, it looks ridiculous. Camera work is shoddy. Actors clearly don’t understand their character’s motivations as they are poorly defined. And the pacing is awful. With long periods of nothing filled with inane chatter. It’s terrible.
Surprise surprise. The director of #Float was a producer on the equally shocking 2019 version of Black Christmas. I don’t know how much input he had on that movie but it is almost as bad as this. That can’t just be coincidence, right? Practically every horror he is involved in is poorly received. He’s also the writer of this movie so that explains a lot.
I would really like to give him the middle finger for the way he writes female relationships, as well. I don’t think he realises that women can have strong relationships with each other that don’t involve being spiteful and stealing each other’s boyfriends. And I say this as a dude. It’s a serious problem here. Male characters are either to be pitied for the harshness of their lives or just cool “Bros” that get along all the time. The women are constantly at each other’s throats. It’s a very insulting depiction.
Final Thoughts and Score
I have given way too much time to this movie. I always write a lot but I find it so easy to rant endlessly about bad horror movies. They end up being my longest reviews by far. This movie deserves all the scorn in the world. #Float is the worst horror movie I have reviewed on this site. A terrible story, bad acting, ridiculous and unbelievable character reactions, an unlikable cast, a terrible script. There’s just too many things to point out about this beyond poor horror movie.
Please don’t believe the other horror review sites when they talk shit like this up. They either have incentive to do it or are just plain bad reviewers. This movie is not deserving of the precious time you have on this earth. Oh and the final insult? There’s a fucking music video at the end of the movie. This fucking awful song that has been playing throughout. Suddenly starts playing as the credits roll and we are shown the music video for it. I shit you not! I couldn’t believe what I was watching. God I hate this movie so much. You can find #Float at the home of all horror #Floaters – Tubi.
Trailer: #Float (2022)
|9th December 2022
|Kaya Coleman, Ophelia Lichtenstein, Kate Mayhew, Miguel Muñoz, Scarlett Sperduto, Christina Nguyen, Grant Morningstar
|Justin Anderson, Jensine Carr, Zac Locke, Rebecca Rufer, Mikey Bill Taylor
|Violence, Gore, Language, Drug Use, Some Chick In A Thong If You Are A Bit Prudish