Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we will be reviewing Supernatural horror movie The Resort from 2021. It’s August, it has been raining every day for over a month in Wales, so let’s indulge in some scares in the sun. We have some good news and some bad news when it comes to this movie. The good news? You can go and watch this for free right now on streaming service Tubi. The bad news? It’s bloody awful!

Directed and written by Taylor Chien. The Resort follows a group of four friends making a trip to an isolated part of Hawaii to investigate a legend. After hearing about a haunting at an abandoned resort. Lex (Bianca Haase) encourages her friends to accompany her to the island. Determined to uncover the mystery of The Half Faced Girl. Lex doesn’t realise just what she is getting herself into.

So pretty basic stuff as far as horror goes and the start of the movie is fairly promising. Some fairly suspect acting by Bianca Haase and Brock O’Hurn is easy to forgive as this is a fairly likable group with a fairly simple motive. Chemistry between the friends feels pretty organic. There is a lot less of the typically obnoxious banter you usually see between groups of 30 somethings in horror. There’s the occasional laugh and some of the scenery is stunning. It’s all pretty standard stuff for a horror set in a sunny location.

Incredibly Slow

It becomes apparently, relatively quickly, that this movie is in no rush to get anywhere. It is slow, as in, nothing really happens for the first 45 minutes or so. We have the typical party scene to set up the vacation; we have a helicopter ride over stunning scenery. We have a few scenes of the group hiking to the location and a traditional, old fashioned, close-ups on boobs and butts while pectoral muscles glisten in the sun, scene of the group swimming next to a waterfall. Followed by some more hiking. It all looks quite nice but it is all a bit pointless and laboured.

It’s slow going. This must be building up to something epic, right? The group arrive at their location that is, to be fair, rather interesting looking. If you are a fan of urban exploration you may enjoy this part. The fascinating 70’s style architecture is impossible not to enjoy with the Makena Beach & Golf Resort looking every bit the holiday hot spot from days gone by. But nothing really happens there.

We are subject to another 15 minutes of them exploring and it takes until the 50 minute mark before something actually starts to happen. Now I am going to imagine some of the audience will have mentally checked out by this point. That’s without pointing out some of the issues like terrible audio hiss and a ton of goofs and continuity problems. Fifty minutes of nothing happening is a big ask. It’s going to take something intriguing to bring people back in.

Ah Well!

Alas, it isn’t going to happen. Ten more minutes of suspenseful, but not really, walking around in the dark suddenly gives way to ten minutes of utterly farcical fair ground haunted house horror crap. It’s hard to shake the impression the crew were completely out of money and completely out of ideas. Dodgy special effects, events occurring with little explanation, kills that come out of nowhere and make no sense. It’s pretty awful stuff and it simply doesn’t know how to end.

There is the absolute bare minimum concept for a horror movie and very little else. We have a setup, a location, and a question mark. Almost like the movie was written based on the journey to the spooky location with no thought given to what happens when they arrive. The backstory of the Half Faced Woman is virtually non-existent. The motivation of the characters is poorly fleshed out and the reasons for the events taking place at the end seem ridiculous.

On top of all that, it just looks so silly. You can tell that the entirety of the budget went into the special effects at the end. There is something of an Evil Dead quality to them, with much of what happens feeling like an ode to older horror movies. But it just looks so naff. One character, in particular, really conjured up memories of the video to the Michael Jackson mega-hit Thriller. But not in a good way. Throw in a whole heap of horror cliches like contorted limbs, ridiculous makeup that looks like a Halloween mask, and predictable scares. Along with a pace that feels like doing 90mph on a 30mph road and it’s hard to keep track.

Mixed Acting and a Bad Script

Let’s be real, I don’t think these people were hired for their acting skills; this is a good looking group. Michelle Randolph and Bianca Haase are two of the prettiest lead women I have seen in a horror in ages. Randolph came into this movie in the kind of shape I imagine athletes get into for competitions; I don’t think she had an ounce of fat on her. And I am fairly sure Brock O’Hurn was chiseled from rock somewhere in Greece. I consider myself to be a decent looking guy but this mother fucker is a 6 foot 7 Adonis. He made me feel like Gollum’s slightly better looking second cousin.

The acting was, however, generally lacking. Haase really struggles with delivery and her enunciation needs some serious work. She can be difficult to understand and her emotional reaction to events feels very plastic. She has promise, though, and is competent in parts. O’Hurn felt well out of his depth. He has that kind of wooden delivery that you would expect from asking a non-actor to act. Everything comes across incredibly flat and unconvincing. He does look like he might be part wolf though, so that is pretty cool.

Michelle Randolph has a fairly limited role but I thought she was pretty good. She was convincing as a bit of an airhead character and has confident delivery. Michael Vlamis, as Sam, is probably the highlight of the movie with his excellent delivery and decent comedy timing. He seemed far more experienced that the rest of the cast, consistently confident and with excellent enunciation. Not that it matters a great deal because the script frequently lets the actors down. It is frequently remedial and provokes eye rolls on a consistent basis.

Should You Watch The Resort

What starts as a fairly standard vacation horror movie slowly and painfully transforms into a rather farcical fairground haunted house ride. Complete with dodgy effects, questionable makeup, and a breakneck pace that aims to cram 90 minutes of scares into 10 minutes of time. The Resort is a painful and demanding uphill hike for most of its length. Promising gorgeous views and fun in the sun. What it actually delivers is a rundown holiday location with nothing to look at and even less to enjoy. Just give it a miss, there is so little to recommend here outside of an attractive cast wearing skimpy clothing.