Something Walks in the Woods (2023) Review – A Pointless and Boring Found Footage Slog
Something Walks in the Woods: Quick Verdict
The Verdict: A catastrophic failure of the found footage genre that manages to be as tedious as it is empty. Something Walks in the Woods is a “one-man show” that proves why some stories are better left untold. Bill Howard III takes a timely premise regarding viral videos and social media trends and proceeds to do absolutely nothing with it, instead forcing the viewer to watch thirty minutes of camping applications and gear checks. The film is plagued by technical issues, from overexposed daytime shots to nighttime sequences that are literally impossible to see. With zero scares, a non-existent threat, and a finale that feels more like a shrug than a reveal, it is a 1 star disaster that takes enormous liberties with the viewer’s time. It is the absolute bottom of the Tubi horror barrel. Save your sanity and skip this boring camping trip entirely.
Details: Director: William Howard III | Cast: William Howard III | Runtime: 1h 20m | Release Date: 12 May 2023
Best for: Absolutely no one, unless you are a student of film looking for an example of how not to pace a found footage movie.
Worth noting: Howard III is a multi-hyphenate creator who handled almost every aspect of production, though the lack of a secondary perspective on the script is painfully evident.
Where to Watch: Tubi (Free), Amazon Prime Video
Rating: 1/5 Stars
(Total lack of narrative substance, technical incompetence, and zero scares.)
Welcome back to Knockout Horror. Today we will be reviewing found footage ghost story Something Walks in the Woods.
Table of Contents
An extremely slow and pointless film
The story follows a documentary maker investigating a sighting of a mysterious spirit. A viral video appears to show something walking across the tree line of a forest. According to the person who filmed it, this happens daily. Wanting to get to the bottom of the story, as well as hoping to cash in a bit, Bill Howard (a self-insert, of course) gets permission to spend a night on the land to find out what is going on.
“What made Billy think this would make for good horror viewing? I mean, it is horrifying I suppose… horrifyingly boring! It takes over 30 minutes for him to actually start setting up his tent.”
The premise here is fairly simple and, to be honest, rather timely. With YouTube and TikTok dominating the social media video space, this is something that happens all the time. Hell, you can’t even get brutally murdered anymore without some Zoomer hitting the griddy over your blood-stained murder site. Our protagonist, Bill, doesn’t want to do the backpack kid dance on the treeline, though. He wants to load up his backpack with camping supplies and spend a night in the woods.
Instead of watching Bill spend time in the spooky woods, however, we watch him researching the history of the area as he updates us on his camping application progress. What made Billy think this would make for good horror viewing? I mean, it is horrifying I suppose… horrifyingly boring! It takes over 30 minutes for him to actually start setting up his tent and, in that time, virtually nothing of note happens.
It doesn’t get any better from there
Unfortunately, being in the woods doesn’t actually offer much hope. For some reason, Bill isn’t camping at the treeline where the spirit has been taking its daily sabbaticals. Oh no, that would make sense. Bill is camping a significant distance away. I’ve watched the fantastic Canadian YouTuber Steve Wallis camp closer to roads and tree-lines when he is stealth camping. Bill has permission to be here but still wants to be deep in the woods.
He sets up his tent, shows us his equipment and remains blissfully unaware of the digital interference taking place on his camera. This interference will occur throughout, never really going anywhere and never being anything other than annoying.
Something yawns in the woods
Day turns to night and the camping continues. Some spooky stuff happens, the most severe of which involves Bill cutting his hand. Something that he, most likely, managed to do while filming, realised was the most interesting thing that had happened so far and decided to include it in the final cut as a plot point. When all is said and done, there is a big reveal. Only, it isn’t a big reveal. It’s a tiny, deflating, underwhelming and disappointing reveal.
It is reminiscent of the ending of a Dark Souls video game: unremarkable and definitely not worth the effort. Only, with Dark Souls you enjoy the ride. With Something Walks in the Woods, you really don’t. You hate the ride. You spend the entire time kicking the front seat and yelling “are we there yet?”.
“It seems far-fetched to say that literally nothing happens but literally nothing happens. Nothing at all. This is a movie devoid of scares, intrigue, and reasons to watch.”
This is a movie devoid of scares, intrigue, and reasons to watch. It seems far-fetched to say that literally nothing happens but literally nothing happens. Nothing at all.
Written, directed by and starring
I suppose props have to go out to William Howard III for the effort he put in. He basically did everything here. He produced the movie, scripted it, directed it and starred in it. I have a sneaking suspicion he was probably responsible for providing the coffee, as well. He does an okay job with the acting role. His line delivery can feel a little stilted at times. The movie is probably retro-scripted which will contribute to that. As a writer and director, however, he leaves a fair bit to be desired.
The story here really lacks substance. There are virtually no moments of intrigue. There are no scares. He does nothing with the spooky location and the shots are boring and empty. Lighting and camera setup are big problems here, much like they were in Chest.
“Found footage can be a brilliant approach to filmmaking but you need an idea. You need a solid story and you need a reason for people to invest. This movie has none of those things.”
For much of the movie, it is virtually impossible to see what is going on. It looks like we are watching a tent located in the middle of a void. Given the theme, this might be the intention but still, it robs the movie of suspense. Daytime shots are often massively overexposed with the sun mercilessly assaulting the camera lens.
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
The Good
- Ambitious Effort: One has to acknowledge the sheer amount of work required for one person to write, direct, star in, and produce a feature-length film.
- Timely Hook: The idea of an influencer attempting to “cash in” on a viral ghost sighting is a solid premise that reflects modern social media culture.
The Bad
- Glacial Pacing: The film wastes an unbelievable amount of time on mundane preparation before anything resembling horror occurs.
- Technical Quality: Poor lighting choices and overexposed cinematography make much of the movie physically difficult to watch.
- Zero Scares: For a ghost story, there is a distinct lack of anything actually frightening or even mildly unsettling.
The Ugly: The “Big Reveal”. A finale so underwhelming and poorly executed that it retroactively makes the eighty minutes of boredom feel even more insulting.
Should You Watch Something Walks in the Woods?
No. It is a 1 star slog that fails on every technical and narrative level. There are hundreds of independent found footage films available on streaming platforms that offer better scares and more engaging stories. Bill Howard III clearly has the drive to make movies, but this particular entry is a total miss that should be avoided at all costs.
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