Black Christmas (2006) Movie Review - Awful Remake of a Christmas Horror Classic
It’s the 4th of December. That means we have another entry into our Awful Advent 25 Days of Christmas Horror feature. Behind door 4 of our proverbial horror calendar is something truly terrifying.. The 2006 remake of Black Christmas *shudder*. Man was this movie ever panned when it released? People absolutely hated it. The 2019 remake received an even more violent bashing. I guess some things just shouldn’t be remade.
Taking the plot of the original 1974 version of Black Christmas. The 2006 remake attempts to build more on the backstory of the antagonist. Feeling like much more of a gore fest that the original. This version has some truly violent moments. Recently, the movie seems to have had something of a renaissance. User reviews are improving and people seem to have warmed to it a bit. Maybe it is due to the release of the 2019 version? Perhaps that has reminded people of how bad this could have been? I am not sure as they are both pretty awful.
The story follows a group of sorority sisters sharing Christmas in their house. A house that just so happens to have been the childhood home of a maniacal killer who has just escaped from the psychiatric hospital in which he was locked up. Merry Christmas, ladies.
Christmas Slasher Horror
Slasher horror seems to be the perfect genre for Christmas scares. There are a really decent number of movies featuring this theme. The problem is, most of them are just not very good. Directed by Glen Morgan, Black Christmas aims to pile onto that number. Taking the very self contained and chronologically quite tight story of the original. This version takes us back in time to learn more about our antagonist. Apparently suffering a difficult childhood. We are offered a villain with a sympathetic backstory. What we are also offered is buckets of blood and gallons of gore.
Featuring some fairly decent practical effects. There are a number of different ways used to dispatch of the girls in the movie. Some are interesting, some not so much. For the most part, however, the kills look good. The special effects team did a good job with the practical stuff. Black Christmas feels very fitting as a Christmas movie. There is plenty of buzzing green and red lighting. The tinsel is everywhere and the set design lends a sense of festivity to the movie.
Glen Morgan’s Black Christmas feels like a very different movie from it’s predecessor. Despite aiming to keep some of the feel of the original. This movie is far more brutal and the pacing is a lot faster. The 1974 version was content to bask in its incredibly well forged mood. There was no real need to force random kills every five minutes. The movie was plenty tense enough without it. 2006’s Black Christmas, however, has a large cast. Morgan kills these girls off with an almost metronome like rhythm. This is a slasher for viewers with 5 minute attention spans.
Gruesome Kills and Disturbing Themes
The kills here are absolutely gruesome. We have eyes being pulled out and eaten. Heads are removed. Necks are stabbed. It is a brutal movie and, again, nothing like the original. Added to this are some disturbing themes that wouldn’t feel out of place on a Reddit confession topic. Incest, child abuse, neglect.. It’s all there. This is a seriously messed up movie and it absolutely relishes that fact. It is as if the makers read a book called “Creating Controversy 101” and applied every sentence.
There is a distinct feeling that the director was trying to shock the viewer. Everything feels incredibly forced and a bit awkward. It is to the point of being farcical at times. Certain scenes that are supposed to be “disturbing” come across as almost comical. A few scenes, in particular, are delivered with such a sense of grandeur. It is as if they were supposed to be deeply upsetting reveals. They are done so poorly and happen so often, however, that the effect is lost.
Doomed to Fail?
Developing new versions of beloved movies is no easy task. Fans are ready and waiting, pitchforks in hand, to shit all over the remake. It is no surprise that directors often attempt to go in a completely different direction. It is somewhat strange that Bob Clark was actually involved with the making of this film. The director of the 1974 original had co-producer credits. Despite this, the tone and feel of the film is completely different.
Director Glen Morgan is known for working on a couple of the Final Destination films. It’s no surprise then, given this fact, that he wanted to make something that appealed to that audience. Perhaps it was in the back of his mind that remaking Black Christmas was doomed to fail. Maybe he just wanted to go with something entirely different. Either way. I think younger people might enjoy the absurd violence and disgusting themes. I think they would be more forgiving of the movie’s flaws as well.
One thing I did really like about this version of Black Christmas is the cinematography. Robert McLachlan puts together a really nice picture that looks extremely festive. The lighting, in particular, is fantastic. Glowing reds, greens, purples and pinks highlight the Christmas theme. The bright colours put a spotlight on the contrast between the setting and the events taking place. It’s a very nice looking film with a lot of interesting shots.
A Decent Cast Does an Okay Job
Black Christmas has, if nothing else, a pretty decent cast. Featuring Andrea Martin, star of the original 1974 Black Christmas, as Ms Mac. Many of the actors here were all over the place in the early 2000s. Glen Morgan brought along a few of his Final Destination girls. Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kristen Cloke and Crystal Lowe all feature heavily. Katie Cassidy stars as Kelli. Michelle Trachtenberg plays Melissa. It’s a pretty decent cast.
Line delivery can feel awkward at times. The cast seems to lack any sense of chemistry. They really don’t make a particularly believable group of friends. I think they could have used some extra time together getting to know each other. Martin tries her best as Ms Mac but nobody can replace Marian Waldman. There are a few scenes where you can see that Martin is paying tribute to her former co-star. I still enjoyed her performance, however, and its nice to see someone from the original cast.
Winstead is probably the best of the group but really doesn’t get many lines. Crystal Lowe is a pale imitation of Margot Kidder. The rest of the girls are somewhere between fine and forgettable. This is a cast picked mainly for name and looks. Oliver Hudson, as Kyle, was pretty bad. He seems to have a permanent grin and he has literally zero conviction when he speaks. Honestly, with all things considered, most of the performances fall foul of a horrendous script. It is so awkward in parts. This is an excerpt actually taken, verbatim, from the original script. This isn’t an ad-lib.
I don’t feel comfortable. uh, whatever, like,
invading someone’s privacy like this.
Literary genius. I hope Morgan cringed when he penned that line. It is awful and this goes on throughout. How much could the actors accomplish with this drivel?
Just Pretty Awful
There are so many negative things to point out with this movie. It is easier if I just summarise. Terrible direction leads to a jumbled timeline. There is a real sense of disconnection between scenes. Hilariously stupid and poorly written characters do literally everything wrong. The following is just one example. The girls all agree that they have a better chance if they all stick together. Seconds later, two of the characters leave. They all could have just ran out of the house. Their motivations for staying are stupid. Apparently that fact never becomes as obvious to the girls as it is to the viewer.
A pointless backstory robs a formerly intriguing character of any threat or menace. Morgan’s desire to expand on every tiny detail from the original harms the suspense. A ridiculous and completely needless twist will have you rolling your eyes. You can literally see it coming from a mile away. Half baked red herrings designed to throw the viewer off disappoint. despite all the other issues, the biggest of all is that Black Christmas is not tense, it isn’t atmospheric and it isn’t at all scary.
To make matters worse, the ending is terrible. Morgan felt the need to expand on the more ambiguous parts of the movie. A totally unnecessary move that impacts the things that made the original movie great. The phone calls are no longer scary. The protagonist is less a shadowy boogieman and more of an X-Files villain. There are far less question marks and far less reason to think about the movie when it is done. It is just very disappointing.
Should You Watch Black Christmas (2006)?
No, you shouldn’t watch Black Christmas unless you are a teen desperate for a Christmas themed slasher movie to watch at a sleepover. Just skip it, it’s bad in every way. Not scary, a laughable script, too long, a boring antagonist. It takes everything that made the original so great and spits on it. Still, it’s nowhere near as bad as the 2019 version so it has that going for it.
