Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are reviewing horror, thriller, Shark Waters from 2022. This is another glorious offering from free streaming service Tubi so we will throw this in our Horror on Tubi feature. It’s also pretty awful so we can throw it in the garbage with the rest of the crap we find on there.
Why Are Shark Movies So Bad?
Actor turned director Jadon Cal’s Shark Waters is not a good movie. Within the first couple of minutes, Shark Waters tells you all you need to know. Absolutely shocking CG sharks close in on an unknowing swimmer. The warnings of his G-string wearing girlfriend go unheeded as our random “first victim” is gobbled alive in a pool of orange tinted CG blood. G-string wearing lady repeatedly bears her ass to the camera as she struggles to get back on her jet ski, offering a glimmer of aesthetic titillation, if nothing else. Only for her efforts to be completely in vain as she also appears to fall victim to a “shark” who eats her alive, literally, butt first. It is a horrendous opening, both laughable and a good indicator of what is to come.
Shark Waters offers the viewer a fairly simple story. A group of people end up stuck out at sea surrounded by a bunch of poorly rendered, and poorly mannered, great white sharks. Our heroine, Lucia, simply wants to head out on a quiet, relaxed fishing trip. Only, the fish seem to be harder to come by, nowadays. The result of horrific over fishing in seas all over the world or the result of a family of greedy sharks? I’ll let you decide. Either way, Captain Banning has to take his boat out further to offer his customers a satisfactory fishing experience. Something that will prove, potentially, deadly for our cast of shark meals in waiting.
So Very Very Stupid
The people on the boat then proceed to do literally everything that they can to be eaten. Whether it is falling into the water repeatedly. Attempting to fight sharks one on one, or heading out into the water on an inflatable motor boat. There isn’t a single person with a lick of sense in this movie. This is the most stupid cast of characters ever put to film; they practically line up, one by one, to be cast out into the sea and eaten. It is completely farcical and it gets worse and worse as the movie goes on.
You could make the argument that these movies are supposed to be a little bit ridiculous but this goes way beyond that. It is scene after scene of eye rolling absurdity. The thing that is somewhat impressive about Shark Waters, is how the silliness extends into nearly every facet of the movie. It’s not just characters acting dumb, it’s everything else, as well. Be it the massive task force set up purely to monitor shark movements, the helicopter with infinite amounts of fuel, or the incompetent coast guard who don’t know their asses from a hole in the ground. Everything about this movie’s plot is complete farce.
Terrible Camera Work, Effects and an Awful Script
Camera work, here, ranges from sub-par to absolutely awful. There is a strange dullness to every scene and some of the angles are seriously bizarre. With the camera forced up into character’s faces to emphasise expressions and hide what is going on off screen. In one particularly awful scene a pair of characters are supposed to be rowing which basically consists of tight shots of contorted facial expressions and the occasional splash of water. It looks incredibly bad.Â
Much of the shoddy camera work is designed to hide the terrible special effects. And when I say terrible, I mean some of the worst I have ever seen. The sharks look so incredibly bad, the CG is beyond laughable. Attacks look so silly with characters desperately trying to make it look as though they are being viciously mauled. All while some terribly rendered sharks move clumsily over their bodies. It is so bad. The CG pools of blood are even worse, looking a strange hint of orange and spreading out in a jarring manner.
The absolutely terrible script really doesn’t help, as well. It is line after line of clumsy dialogue designed purely to provide gallons of exposition as quickly as possible. Lucia starts nearly every sentence with “me and my dad” or “when I was a little girl”. Captain Banning never shuts up about his boat. Every character that knows him talks about how amazing Captain Banning is and how he saved their life. And every word for the last 20 minutes or so is screamed. It is beyond amateurish and almost childlike in parts.
Acting is Actually Okay
I actually think the acting in Shark Waters has some genuine high points. Meghan Carrasquillo is too good to be acting in movies like this. We will be seeing her again, soon, in a future review. I actually felt sorry for her, here. She does a really good job and stands out for how seriously she takes the whole thing. Especially compared to the farcical nature of the things happening around her. Carrasquillo’s genuinely great acting makes the movie seem even worse. Whether she is shivering and panicked or happy and optimistic. There isn’t a single moment in the movie where she allowed the silliness of the production to get the better of her. She was excellent and I would love to see her in more horror in the future.
Jim Fitzpatrick, as Jose, has been around for years and does a decent job here. Again, not letting the silliness of the movie undermine his performance. Mike Anderson starts strong as Captain Banning but seems to get bored pretty quickly. Delivering his lines in a way that suggests he barely read the script and didn’t care too much for the motivations of the character. Can you blame him, though? Jonathan Shores is okay but feels a little uneasy in his delivery at times.
Everyone else is pretty awful, with a few performances standing out for being particularly wooden. People are going to trash the performances here because this is an Asylum movie. I don’t think that is entirely fair, though. Some of them are genuinely decent; some people get ready for work in the morning and aim to do a good job. Regardless of how shitty their workplace is and regardless of how much of a clown shoes movie they are acting in. That’s the case here.
Should You Watch Shark Waters?
Shark Waters is a complete waste of time and not at all worth a watch. Terrible effects, bags of silliness, a stupid plot, dumb characters, an awful script and some weak performances. It is exactly what you would expect from this type of movie. While it may fit as a “So bad it’s good” time killer. It might not even be appropriate for that. An excellent performance from Meghan Carrasquillo really can’t save Shark Waters from being pretty damn awful. For the love of God, get out of the waters and save yourself from this mess.