Please Don’t Feed The Children (2025) review – A Spielberg nepo-baby misfire

Welcome to Knockout Horror. It’s been awhile since I caught up on Tubi’s horror library. It’s been even longer since I checked out a Tubi Original. To be perfectly honest, I am kind of regretting breaking that trend as I just got done with Please Don’t Feed The Children (2025) and it was.. how should I put this? Pretty awful!

Yay! More Nepo Horror!

We are starting to see a lot of nepo-babies knocking out horror movies, as of late. Whether it is actually competent filmmakers like Brandon Cronenberg or extremely divisive ones like Ishana Night Shyamalan, it’s getting a lot more common. Tubi original Please Don’t Feed The Children is no exception. This film is made by Steven Spielberg’s daughter Destry Allyn Spielberg.

My first thought when I saw the Spielberg name wasn’t so much one of disgust at another movie made by an ultra privileged filmmaker. It was more like “Damn, Spielberg was still adding to the family into his 50s?“. That man must be a masochist! Well, I felt like a masochist too after watching his daughter’s latest horror movie making effort.

“My first thought when I saw the Spielberg name wasn’t so much one of disgust… It was more like ‘Damn, Spielberg was still adding to the family into his 50s?'”

The story is pretty simple. An apocalyptic infection has spread around the world decimating the adult population. Kids, apparently, took the blame and are now persecuted ruthlessly. A gang of orphans attempt to escape the police. Only to run into a kindly woman who offers them some assistance. But is her kindness genuine or does she have ulterior motives?

It’s a pretty ridiculous plot

The plot of Please Don’t Feed The Children is absolutely farcical. Our main protagonist, if you want to call her that, is Mary (Zoe Colletti). Mary is aiming to make her way to safety but nearly ends up on the wrong side of some police brutality.

She is saved by another orphan kid who takes her to a hideout where the rest of his gang of rag-tag misfits live. They realise that Mary has inadvertently lead the cops there so they scram. They eventually find themselves at the house of a woman who offers to help them.

As you can probably see, the problems are already deeply engrained into the story. Apparently the human race would suddenly decide that kids are the problem and choose to persecute them. Effectively ending the entire species in the process.

We have seen the result of a worldwide virus only recently and the world chose to shut down entirely rather than blame or persecute one group. This makes the actions here seem incredibly farfetched and non-sensical. The problems go much further than that, though.

If you are expecting a tense, zombie-horror, with some action spliced in. You are going to be very disappointed. If you are hoping for some apocalyptic drama with deep character studies. You are going to be even more disappointed.

This film quickly abandons its more intriguing elements. Instead, choosing to transforms into something of a one location horror with minimal apocalyptic elements and limited thrills.

The writing is remedial

The non-sensical story isn’t helped by some absolutely terrible writing. Paul Bertino’s script is laughably amateur and remedial; it adds absolutely no depth to either the characters or the story.

“Paul Bertino’s script is laughably amateur and remedial; it adds absolutely no depth to either the characters or the story.”

We are offered very limited exposition on the virus itself; barely any insight into how the human race has been impacted; and we are presented with a cadre of kids that have, seemingly, no personalities or back story.

The cast of characters is so milquetoast and underdeveloped that the only thing that stands out about them is their negative qualities. I’m not saying we need detailed character arcs but something to cling onto and root for would be nice.

Mary is the only developed character and even she is lacking in any form of personality. At least she has some hint of a backstory and an inkling of character motivation, though. Luckily, our helpful adult, Clara (Michelle Dockery), does have some redeeming moments and is very well performed by Dockery.

The direction is very lacklustre

Please Don’t Feed The Children is one of those movies that feels as though it is yearning for a director with a single defined approach to filmmaking. Spielberg flips from one method of presentation to another with little rhyme or reason.

One minute the events are portrayed via a chaotic, almost nauseating, handheld camera that bounces around maniacally. The next they are presented in about as bland of a traditional, unimaginative, way as possible with static shots and unimaginative scene setups. It’s pretty damn jarring.

Please Don’t Feed The Children is paced extremely awkwardly, as well. The movie flows in such a way as to hint that we will be seeing a lot of flashbacks without ever actually seeing any flashbacks. The viewer is left to fill in the gaps after being dropped into the middle of a world in chaos.

It’s hard to shake a general feeling of lethargy in both the pacing and progression. The movie sort of limps from scene to scene with no urgency and no desire to actually provide any thrills for the viewer. Spielberg is all too eager to resort to tired cliches and clueless character actions to progress things forward, as well.

Poor acting, no scares, very little to recommend

Please Don’t Feed The Children is very lacking in the scare department. This wouldn’t be so bad, given the theme, if the movie had a decent amount of action or well constructed drama. It doesn’t! The drama is mind numbingly boring and the action is piss-poor. The overreliance on characters making stupid decisions to push things forward undermines every hint of excitement.

“She resorts to pulling the same facial expression much of the time… I was pulling the same face that she was most of this movie and I nearly cried out of boredom.”

Acting is pretty lacklustre, too. I really enjoyed Zoe Colletti in Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark. She has a unique look, as well, that is quite refreshing. I don’t think this film is a solid representation of her acting talent, though.

She resorts to pulling the same facial expression much of the time. She can cry on cue really well, though. I can kind of sympathise. I was pulling the same face that she was most of this movie and I nearly cried out of boredom a few times, too.

Michelle Dockery is a lot of fun and seems to be having a great time. The fantastic Giancarlo Esposito (MaXXXine, Abigail) is on top form, as always. The various cast of orphans are completely forgettable.

They really aren’t helped by Bertino’s awful writing, though. Dean Scott Vazquez’s Jeffy is legitimately written like the cocky, streetwise, New York side character in an 80s or 90s Christmas movie. At least he doesn’t look like he is kicking 30’s door down like the rest of the “teens”, though.

Oh, and former NFL Tight End for the San Francisco 49ers Vernon Davis also has a small part in this movie. He caught the winning touchdown against my New Orleans Saints in the 2011 Playoffs. I might knock a whole point off just for that!

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