Float (2022) Review – The Worst Horror Movie I Have Ever Watched

Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are reviewing #Float from 2022.

The worst horror movie I have ever watched!

#Float is, unequivocally, the worst horror I have watched in years. It’s actually quite offensive. I am left battling that distinct feeling of trauma that comes only from despicably bad horror. You know the feeling? Like waking up after a heavy night on the whisky knowing full well that you found some creative ways to horribly embarrass yourself. This movie has a 2.7/10 on IMDb and I think that is way too generous.

#Float follows a group of twenty-somethings heading out on vacation. Each year they float along a river, drinking too much and being passive aggressive to each other. This year is a little different; one of their friends apparently had “mental trouble” and used “drugs to self-medicate”. Their words not mine. And decided that the rest of his life would be better spent as a pile of ash.

Wanting to celebrate his, err, legacy and to have a good time, the group decide to go ahead with the trip anyways. But the river has other things in mind for them this year. Hopefully they don’t all die horribly painful deaths. Am I right?

Things go so wrong so fast

#Float has a few hints, early on, that it’s probably going to suck pretty damn hard. In fact, it’s quite tough to pick out one specific thing to point and laugh at as there are just too many options. I was initially tempted to say that the first whiff of shite came with the scene featuring the friends dancing with the urn in the back of the RV on the way to the river. That feels a bit too easy, though.

“#Float is, unequivocally, the worst horror I have watched in years. I am left battling that distinct feeling of trauma that comes only from despicably bad horror.”

I was also tempted to say that it was the terrible audio dub which gives the whole thing a 60s Hong Kong, Kung Fu flick, vibe. But, alas, those things are nowhere near as bad as the remedial script.

This script is absolutely vile! In fact, it might be the worst I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing in a horror movie. There are so many examples of screenplay sacrilege but allow me to point out a few early examples just to set the mood.

Classic Chuy!

So, to set the scene, our characters are packed into the back of an RV as they travel to the river. Somehow, they are defying the laws of gravity and not being flung around from side to side like pinballs. Instead, they are holding their dead mate’s urn aloft and celebrating his life.

One character remarks on how they shouldn’t be going to the river “because their friend died on it”. Inspired! Another friend replies that he overdosed so that doesn’t count. Very astute and insightful! Another friend interjects with how said friend loved the trip more than anyone. Valid! Before regaling them with a tale about when deceased friend brought along a slingshot and launched beers at people.. Okaaayy!

“Yes, entire cans of beer launched from a slingshot. “Classic Chuy!” she says, as one eye droops lazily out of focus due to the head trauma”

Yes, entire cans of beer launched from a slingshot. “Classic Chuy!” she says, as one eye droops lazily out of focus due to the head trauma she suffered from being dinged by one of the aforementioned beer cans. I am fairly sure that their drug addict friend being confined to an urn might not be an entirely bad thing. Needless to say, the whole conversation is utterly hilarious.

But wait.. There’s more!! “Well here he is” she says as she holds the urn aloft. “The beer is going to miss him too” another friend says, before the driver replies “So will the cocaine!”. You know, because he was a drug addict that died of an overdose and that is funny somehow.

All the friends laugh. “We all party a little too hard. It’s not Chuy’s fault he had a problem”. Insightful words from an insightful character. Utterly remedial shit and you better hunker down because you are in for 75 minutes of this utter dreck.

Laughable!

It’s farcical and I am happy to report that the excrement doesn’t end at the script. It is smeared all over the story, too. #Float is just scene after scene of laughable ridiculousness from a group of characters who never once act in a believable manner. You will be shocked at how silly some of the scenarios in this film are. I guarantee it!

“There is absolutely no fleshed-out or remotely developed threat at all. Things happen for no reason and nothing is given even a single iota of explanation.”

I hate to spoil anything but, in one scene, a child goes missing on the lake. Only two of the cast go looking for the child.. Two of them. Something that would drive whole communities to up sticks and go searching only provokes two of them into action. That’s just one of the completely ludicrous and unbelievable ways in which these characters act. There are many, many, more.

What makes it even worse is that the movie occasionally attempts to go for some type of emotion to push character investment. Everything here is just so poorly put together. Within about half an hour, there is barely a single thread of an actual story left and that’s without talking about the pants horror aspect.

There is absolutely no fleshed-out or remotely developed threat, at all. Nothing. Everything feels completely disconnected. Things happen for no reason and nothing is given even a single iota of explanation. This is one of the most poorly written and poorly put together horror movies I have ever watched.

A horrible group of characters

#Float might feature one of the most unlikable group of assholes ever put to film. Kali is a self-important, egotistical, self-righteous nob head who talks down to everyone around her. Madison is exactly what you would expect from a character called Madison in a teen horror; annoying, arrogant, argumentative and irrational.

Zola is a lifelong loser who couldn’t give two shits about her child and Jackson is a vapid charisma vacuum with no personality at all.Dee is slightly less annoying than the rest but the writers more than make up for it with her actions later on in the movie.

All of these characters, somehow, pale in comparison to the absolutely abhorrent Blake. The phrase “prick hole” is thrown around a lot these days but it is never more applicable than when describing Blake. Blake is one of the worst characters I have ever seen in a horror movie. From his smarmy facial expressions to his tendency to sulk, right down to the awful way he chews gum, he is horrible! The crazy thing is, he isn’t presented as a bad guy. The script writer actually went out of their way to give him some redeeming qualities.

Poor acting

Acting is generally awful. Kate Mayhew, as Kali, starts out okay but totally loses it halfway through, seemingly looking jaded and tired of trying. By the final ten minutes she is utterly checked out and completely unable to emote. I can only assume that Grant Morningstar, as Blake, is either a generational talent who can portray a complete prick of a character perfectly or he might just be a bit of a Blake himself.

Kaya Coleman, as Dee, seemed bored throughout and struggles mightily when called upon to actually emote. She also seemed completely awkward when asked to dance for Blake but with how much of a prick he is, that is understandable. Everyone is just really checked out and extremely low grade. I’d say make the most of these actors now because I don’t see them doing much down the line. I can’t entirely blame them, though; the script here is so bad that I imagine they just couldn’t invest in what they were being asked to do.

“#Float is just too poor to describe. If it isn’t bad enough, they stick an entire music video at the end of the movie. What a joke!”

Zac Locke’s direction is terrible. This movie is all over the place. Continuity is incredibly messy and there is an almost out-of-sequence feeling to events. Actors are poorly motivated. There are a huge number of goofs and the entire thing is just about as amateur as amateur can get.

Surprise surprise, the director of #Float was a producer on the equally shocking 2019 version of Black Christmas. I guess horribly awful movies are just what this dude does. It’s worth pointing out that the way he structures his female relationships is horribly offensive and misogynistic as well, and I say this as a dude.

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