Choose or Die (2022) Review – A Glitchy and Logic-Defying Nostalgia Trip
Choose or Die: Quick Verdict
The Verdict: A fundamentally broken horror movie that prioritises a neon-soaked 80s aesthetic over logic, scares, or coherent writing. Choose or Die attempts to capitalise on the current wave of retro nostalgia but fails to provide a compelling reason to keep playing. The plot is riddled with significant holes, the “deadly game” mechanics make zero sense, and the visual effects intended to be harrowing are often unintentionally hilarious. While Iola Evans and Asa Butterfield give respectable performances, they are frequently undermined by a script that leans into farcical slapstick during its most pivotal moments. This 1 star effort feels like a collection of half-baked ideas that never coalesce into a frightening experience. From the awkward fake American accents to the nonsensical ending, Choose or Die is a frustratingly poor waste of time that belongs in the bargain bin of horror history.
Details: Director: Toby Meakins | Cast: Iola Evans, Asa Butterfield, Eddie Marsan, Robert Englund | Runtime: 1h 24m | Release Date: 2022
Best for: Viewers who enjoy “so bad it’s good” cinema and those who want to see a very brief, vocal cameo from a horror legend.
Worth noting: Despite the American setting, the film was shot almost entirely in London, which explains why the “American” accents and gloomy atmosphere feel somewhat off-kilter.
Where to Watch: Netflix Exclusive
Rating: 1/5 Stars
(A logic-defying and poorly made horror that fails to deliver on its retro premise, resulting in more laughs than scares.)
Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are taking a look at a British horror movie – Choose or Die.
Table of Contents
Simply an awful, awful film
Choose or Die follows a girl called Kayla. She is having a rough time and needs some money to help her meth head mother. She stumbles upon a competition from an 80s gaming magazine offering a prize of $150,000 for anyone who can complete a specific video game. Little does Kayla realise that this video game will have very real consequences in the actual world.
What a dumb plot! Why the hell would a 40-year-old magazine still be offering a prize for this stupid game? Why would the number still be active and what company would be offering $150,000 in the 80s as a competition prize? That’s nearly $400,000 adjusted for inflation. That’s the most insignificant of this movie’s problems, though.
Oh those plot holes… nerd glasses on
The first thing that needs pointing out are the plot holes. For a start, Kayla is receiving tutoring from Isaac to help her learn coding. She brings him old computers, he pays her and helps her learn. Couldn’t she just learn coding online for free? Isn’t that what most people do? I learned a number of coding languages purely through shared information online.
“What a dumb plot! Why would a 40-year-old magazine still be offering a prize for this game? Why would the number still be active and what company would be offering $150,000 in the 80s?”
Even if she learned coding, without qualifications the only thing she will likely get from it are assholes wanting websites building for free. Shall we get a little more nerdy? Why not! The game in question here looks like a ZX Spectrum game given the green text and loading sounds. The Spectrum was, pretty much, a non-factor in America. Why not make it a Commodore 64 game?
Less nerdy? Okay! Why does everyone have such fake American accents? The answer to all of this, and more, is quite simple. Choose or Die is a poorly written, poorly made, mess of a horror. Attempting to tap into the 80s nostalgia rampant at the moment, this is a film that cares little for logic. It has a firm focus on aesthetic and little else.
Desperate 80’s nostalgia
As mentioned above, this is a film desperate to cash in on 80s nostalgia. It tips its hat to the decade in a number of different ways. A Nightmare on Elm Street poster and collection of old yellowed computers being just two of them. A brief cameo from Robert Englund, inexplicably receiving high billing, is utterly befuddling but not unwelcome. The video game based scenes and loading sounds are likely to please people familiar with the era. Anyone who grew up with Spectrum games will likely get a kick out of this. The aesthetic, however, proves to be a shiny veneer on an otherwise decayed tooth.
Once you get past the novelty of the presentation, the cracks really begin to show. This is a film with a fantastically loose plot and absolutely no scares. Kayla’s situation is a relatable one; it’s easy to empathise with someone attempting to escape poverty. Despite this, the execution is so poor that it is impossible to become invested. A collection of farcical, unintentionally comedic villains don’t help. Added to this the fact that Kayla’s mum has drastically resorted to crack to cope, it all just comes across as rather humorous and lacking in gravity.
“Kayla’s situation is a relatable one; it’s easy to empathise with someone attempting to escape poverty. Despite this, the execution is so poor that it is impossible to become invested.”
Scenes that are intended to be harrowing or impactful are, often, hilarious. The real-world interference caused by the game leads to some ridiculous visuals. A scene featuring a character being forced to eat glass is somewhat impactful, but it is the only one. There isn’t a single scene that comes close to this level of horror. The rest of the film is content to stroll along never attempting to shock or surprise.
Hilariously poor visuals
Video game like renders of characters in the film look utterly farcical. Characters die in genuinely comical ways. Obviously intended to be disturbing, most of these deaths are, simply, comedy gold. I won’t spoil it but one scene, in particular, is side-splittingly hilarious for how terrible it looks. The kills are horribly reminiscent of “Fatalities” from the early Mortal Kombat games. The movie attempts to save itself with a video game depiction of real-life events. The results, complete with awful 80s graphics and 4-bit soundtrack, will have you rolling on the floor.
The ending deserves mention, as well. We are gifted an unsatisfying, nonsensical explanation of events. This explanation is quickly followed by a comical game of “stop hitting yourself”. It looks beyond ridiculous and would feel a little too slapstick for even the Scary Movie series. I have no idea how the director managed to sit there and film these scenes, watch them back and think “Damn, that’s harrowing”. The fact that the movie plays itself off as seriously as a cancer diagnosis makes it all the worse.
Acting is a seriously mixed bag, as well. Iola Evans, as Kayla, is fine. Kudos to her for not pissing herself during every supposed “horror” moment. Asa Butterfield, as Isaac, is genuinely decent. Angela Griffin, as Kayla’s mum, kinda manages to hide her thick Yorkshire accent. Thumbs up to her for that. Everyone else is, in all honesty, awful. Robert Englund’s contribution consists of a minute-long phone call. They could have, frankly, paid him £50 on Cameo for all I know.
Doesn’t do anything well
Cinematography is adequate, I suppose, though dragged down by poor editing. Some ridiculously messy cuts don’t do the movie any favours. The filming location is gloomy and very clearly not in the USA. Pacing is pretty awful. The movie feels like it drags despite a short runtime. It becomes bogged down in sentimental, faux drama at the cost of action. Practical effects are, for the most part, non-existent.
The thing with Choose or Die is that it just doesn’t do anything well. There are no scares; the horror is actually more humorous than anything. The plot is weak and the characters poorly developed. The situation Kayla finds herself in is pretty ridiculous.
“Kill scenes are hilarious, acting ranges from okay to terrible, and the plot is full of holes. An awful ending feels like a fitting end to an utter disappointment of a horror movie.”
The ending is farcical and the acting is lacking outside of the main characters. Even the video game elements suck a whole lot of asscrack. Couple that with the hokey accents and terrible setting and you simply don’t have a single thing to praise.
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
The Good
- Asa Butterfield: Brings a level of professional competence to the screen that the material really does not deserve.
- Retro Aesthetic: The 80s gaming sounds and visual cues provide a brief moment of nostalgic fun for those familiar with the ZX Spectrum era.
- Glass Eating Scene: Easily the only moment in the film that manages to be genuinely uncomfortable and effective as horror.
The Bad
- Fake Accents: The attempt to make a predominantly British cast sound American is distracting and often poorly executed.
- Poor CGI: The video game renders used for the death scenes look embarrassingly cheap and ruin any sense of dread.
- Logic Gaps: The entire premise relies on a level of stupidity and convenience that makes it impossible to take the story seriously.
The Ugly: The Ending. A farcical and nonsensical resolution that turns the horror into a literal game of “stop hitting yourself” that is impossible not to laugh at.
Should You Watch Choose or Die?
No. It is a 1 star film that fails to justify its runtime even as a mindless stream. While the concept of a cursed video game is a classic trope, the execution here is so flawed and tonally confused that it becomes a chore to finish. If you want a proper 80s-inspired horror, look towards Stranger Things or Summer of 84 instead. This one is a “Game Over” from the start.
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