Welcome to Knockout Horror. It’s Festive Frights season today as we begin over a month of nothing but Christmas themed horror movie reviews. What do you mean we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet? That’s an archaic rule and you know it, we are starting early here. We are kicking things off by checking out Xmas slasher The Nights Before Christmas.
This feature is expanding on the 25 Days of Christmas Horror feature we launched back in 2022. We won’t have another 25 movies for you but there is going to be plenty to look forward to. Or not, as the case may be, we are scraping the bottom of the stocking with these films. If you want more, check out our Awful Advent category.
Starting Off Rough
You know how I just mentioned how we would be scraping the barrel a bit with this feature? I wasn’t joking, a lot of these movies are going to be really poor. I mean, we covered most of the Christmas horror movie greats in 2022. There really isn’t that much left to shout about. I don’t think I ever realised just how bad it would get, though.
Spoiler alert, there are some awful movies about to appear on this list and The Nights Before Christmas might be one of the worst. Following the story of a pair of FBI agents attempting to stop the rampaging murder fest of a demented Santa Claus and his wife Mrs Claus. This is a movie that has virtually nothing to offer at all.
A Familiar Plot
Stop me if you have heard this one before. A demented serial killer with a sharp sense of humour meets a blonde, pig tailed, woman with her own very special knack for causing mayhem. The two fall in love and set about killing anybody that steps in their way. No, I am not talking about The Joker and Harley Quinn, I am talking about the antagonists of The Nights Before Christmas.
The inspirations are very clear, here, with the only defining difference being the costumes our killers don. Our Santa Claus (Simon Phillips) wise cracks while tormenting every person he encounters. While our Mrs Claus (Sayla de Goede) twirls her hair, skips around, and does her best impression of everyone’s favourite comic book killer gal. It’s basic stuff, with the movie, predominantly, playing out as a cat and mouse chase between the cops and the killers. With Santa aiming to get revenge on some business men who did him wrong, in the process.
Just Really Bad
This is just another ultra generic Christmas slasher. This seems to be the go to sub-genre when directors want to make a festive horror film. The problem is, slashers are pretty awful, in general, as it is. When you throw in the confines of a holiday season focused plot they tend to get a lot worse. The Nights Before Christmas is no exception.
It is horribly repetitive, entirely predictable, incredibly cheesy and extremely boring. The kills are, frankly, rather dull and some of the character’s reactions beggar belief. This is the dumbest group of people this side of the North Pole. Seriously, it is pretty egregious. At one point, a cop stands with his gun pointing at one of our antagonists as they brutally murder someone and said cop doesn’t do a thing to stop it. It is completely and utterly farcical and feels beyond even the typical stupidity that comes with the genre. This type of stuff goes on and on throughout the film.
In something of a surprise, the movie actually manages to find itself bogged down by a ton of dialogue, as well. You would except quick kills and quick action but we spend so much time with our FBI agents that it starts to feel like it is trying to be something that it is not. A festive version of Silence of the Lambs, or something. That’s without mentioning the long, drawn out, monologues that come courtesy of our killers and the tired familial drama that accompanies some of the scenes later in the movie. It’s a real chore to get through.
Poor Acting
The acting here is extremely low grade. I would say Sayla de Goede is the worst offender for her terrible Harley Quinn impression but everyone is pretty awful. Goede’s constant hand movements are something I couldn’t help but relentlessly focus on. She doesn’t stop moving them around, it is horribly annoying. I guess she counts this as acting, or something?
Simon Phillips tries and does okay here and there. His character is just so generic, though. This movie is a follow up to 2017’s Once Upon a Time at Christmas so, obviously, Phillips has the character down pretty well by this point. Shame the character is just so dull.
Camera work isn’t terrible, some of the kills are okay, I suppose, and I was quite impressed with some of the makeup work. There are, obviously, no scares and the entire movie is completely predictable from start to finish so don’t expect too many surprises. This is just a by-the-numbers slasher with literally nothing to write home about outside of the novelty of it being set a Christmas.
Funnily enough, I caught this movie on a Christmas Movie channel. You know the type? They tend to show all kinds of Hallmark and Lifetime soppy sad romances. They are kind of a guilty pleasure of mine at this time of year; I really enjoy laughing at them.
You can imagine my surprise when this movie randomly came on with full blown blood, guts, boobs, and swearing. I thought I had sat on the remote and ended up on an awful horror movie channel. Still, it ticked a box for this feature and ticked another box in the list of terrible Christmas horror flicks.
Should You Watch The Nights Before Christmas?
Unless you are desperate for another generic Christmas slasher, you should give this one a miss. Dull kills, poor acting, a boring plot, way too much dialogue and a whole ton of predictability make The Nights Before Christmas a really tough recommend.