Choose or Die (2022) Movie Review - Bloody Awful British Video Game Horror
Welcome to Knockout Horror and another Horror Movie Review. Today we are taking a look at a British horror movie – Choose or Die. This Netflix production represents the directorial debut of Toby Meakins. It is filmed in London and stars an almost entirely British cast. With that in mind. Why in the hell are all the characters using American accents and acting like they live in the States? The explanation for this is both simple and fascinating. Because the movie is shit, that’s why!
This is one of those horrors you throw on because the premise sounds interesting. You don’t read anything about it, you simply hit play and hope for the best. I mean, after all, what could be so bad? A pair of teens enter a video game world and are forced to choose or die. Put some decent kills in there. A vague plot, maybe some cool 80’s nostalgia stuff. You have the perfect recipe for a totally passable movie.
Unfortunately, Choose or Die manages to fail on so many unique levels that it makes a mockery of my movie choosing process. From acting to direction to plot to supposed scares. This is just a bad movie. If I had to choose between watching this again or dying. I would have to enter the Konami code to get a few extra lives so I could avoid this one for good.
Awful, Awful Film
Choose or Die follows a girl called Kayla. She is having a rough time and needs some money to help her meth head mother. She stumbles upon a competition from an 80’s gaming magazine offering a prize of $150,000 dollars for anyone who can complete a specific video game. Little does Kayla realise that this video game will have very real consequences in the actual world.
What a dumb plot! Why the hell would a 40 year old magazine still be offering a prize for this stupid game? Why would the number still be active and what company would be offering $150,000 in the 80s as a competition prize? That’s nearly $400,000 adjusted for inflation. That’s the most insignificant of this movie’s problems, though. The first thing that needs pointing out are the plot holes. For a start, Kayla is receiving tutoring from Kyle to help her learn coding. She brings him old computers, he pays her and helps her learn. Couldn’t she just learn coding online for free? Isn’t that what most people do? I learned a number of coding languages purely through shared information online.
Even if she learned coding, without qualifications the only thing she will likely get from it are assholes wanting websites building for free. Shall we get a little more nerdy? Why not! The game in question here looks like a ZX Spectrum game given the green text and loading sounds. The Spectrum was, pretty much, a non-factor in America. Why not make it a Commodore 64 game? Less nerdy? Okay! Why does everyone have such fake American accents? The answer to all of this, and more, is quite simple. Choose or Die is a poorly written, poorly made, mess of a horror. Attempting to tap into the 80’s nostalgia rampant at the moment. This is a film that cares little for logic. It has a firm focus on aesthetic and little else.
Desperate 80’s Nostalgia
As mentioned above, this is a film desperate to cash in on 80’s nostalgia. It tips its hat to the decade in a number of different ways. A Nightmare On Elm Street poster and collection of old yellowed computers being just two of them. A brief cameo from Robert Englund, inexplicably receiving high billing, is utterly befuddling but not unwelcome. The video game based scenes and loading sounds are likely to please people familiar with the era. Anyone who grew up with Spectrum games will likely get a kick out of this. The aesthetic, however, proves to be a shiny veneer on an otherwise decayed tooth.
Once you get past the novelty of the presentation. The cracks really begin to show. This is a film with a fantastically loose plot and absolutely no scares. Kayla’s situation is a relatable one, its easy to empathise with someone attempting to escape poverty. Despite this, the execution is so poor that it is impossible to become invested. A collection of farcical, unintentionally comedic, villains don’t help. Added to this the fact that Kayla’s mum has drastically resorted to Crack to cope. It all just comes across as rather humorous and lacking in gravity.
Scenes that are intended to be harrowing or impactful are, often, hilarious. The real world interference caused by the game leads to some ridiculous visuals. A scene featuring a character being forced to eat glass is somewhat impactful but it is the only one. There isn’t a single scene that comes close to this level of horror. The rest of the film is content to stroll along never attempting to shock or surprise.
Hilariously Poor Visuals
Video game like renders of characters in the film look utterly farcical. Character’s die in genuinely comical ways. Obviously intended to be disturbing, most of these deaths are, simply, comedy gold. I won’t spoil it but one scene, in particular, is side splittingly hilarious for how terrible it looks. The kills are horribly reminiscent of “Fatalities” from the early Mortal Kombat games. The movie attempts to save itself with a video game depiction of real life events. The results, complete with awful 80’s graphics and 4-bit soundtrack, will have you rolling on the floor.
The ending deserves mention, as well. We are gifted an unsatisfying, nonsensical, explanation of events. This explanation is quickly followed by a comical game of “stop hitting yourself”. It looks beyond ridiculous and would feel a little too slapstick for even the Scary Movie series. I have no idea how the director managed to sit there and film these scenes, watch them back and think “Damn, that’s harrowing”. The fact that the movie plays itself off as seriously as a cancer diagnosis makes it all the worse.
Acting is a seriously mixed bag, as well. Iola Evans, as Kayla, is fine. Kudos to her for not pissing herself during every supposed “horror” moment. Asa Butterfield, as Isaac, is genuinely decent. Angela Griffin, as Kayla’s mum, kinda manages to hide her thick Yorkshire accent. Thumbs up to her for that. Everyone else is, in all honesty, awful. Robert Englund’s contribution consists of a minute long phone call. They could have, frankly, paid him £50 on Cameo for all I know.
Doesn’t Do Anything Well
Cinematography is adequate, I suppose, though dragged down by poor editing. Some ridiculously messy cuts don’t do the movie any favours. The filming location is gloomy and very clearly not in the USA. Pacing is pretty awful. The movie feels like it drags despite a short run time. It becomes bogged down in sentimental, faux drama at the cost of action. Practical effects are, for the most part, non-existent.
The thing with Choose or Die is that it just doesn’t do anything well. There are no scares, the horror is actually more humorous than anything. The plot is weak and the characters poorly developed. The situation Kayla finds herself in is pretty ridiculous. The ending is farcical and the acting is lacking outside of the main characters. Even the video game elements suck a whole lot of asscrack. Couple that with the hokey accents and terrible setting and you simply don’t have a single thing to praise.
Should You Watch Choose or Die?
No, you definitely shouldn’t watch Choose or Die. It is a huge waste of time and is as comical as it is bad. Kill scenes are hilarious, acting ranges from okay to terrible, and the plot is full of holes. The American characters and setting are confusing. Especially given the London filming location and British cast. It feels painfully awkward. An awful ending feels like a fitting end to, what is, an utter disappointment of a horror movie.
Our Scoring Philosophy: A Fair Fight
Horror is a genre that thrives thanks to indie film makers and low budget creators. At Knockout Horror, we firmly believe that every movie that we review deserves a fair fight. That's why we grade on a curve. Our star ratings are all about context, judging a film on what it achieves with the resources it has.
A 4-star rating for a scrappy indie horror made for $10,000 is a testament to its ingenuity and raw power. A 4-star rating for a $100 million blockbuster means it delivered on its epic promises. We don't compare them side-by-side; we celebrate success in every weight class, from the back-alley brawler to the heavyweight champion. Please keep this in mind when considering star ratings.
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