Welcome to Knockout Horror. We are back with another addition to our Summer Scares feature and, just like I warned, it is another shark movie. Today we will be reviewing Blind Waters from 2023. Oh, and in case I forgot to mention, it’s both a Tubi Original and an Asylum shark movie. So, yay, this is going to suck.

Oh God, Not Asylum Movies

So for anyone who doesn’t know. Asylum are that movie production company that makes a bunch of mockbusters. Basically, low budget re-imaginings of hit movies. They created their own versions of The Fast and The Furious, Paranormal Activity, films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe and much more. Although these movies all come from very disparate genres. They all share one particular thing in common. They are all shit!

Almost without exception, Asylum is the movie equivalent of genital herpes. You know that it exists and you want to stay as far away from it as possible. Tucking into bed with an Asylum movie promises about as good of a time as bedding down with a person who has a significant number of suspicious sores around their mouth. The best prophylactic when it comes to Asylum is abstinence. 

Asylum Loves Sharks

Asylum, in general, fucking loves sharks. They put out a few shark movies every single year. Part of this might be down to the fact that they managed to score something of a cult hit with the ridiculous Sharknado movies. But it might just be because someone in charge there has the spirit of an 8 year old and can’t stop thinking about how cool sharks are. Either way, they just keep releasing more and more. We actually reviewed Asylum horror movie Shark Waters just the other week. And you are going to be seeing more things in common between that movie and Blind Waters than just the title.

The two movies share incredibly similar plots, the same terrible CGI and even the same lead actor – Meghan Carrasquillo. I don’t know if she signed a bulk shark movie bonanza deal to star in a few of these movies consecutively. But she is basically the same character here as she was in Shark Waters. A plucky woman who fights against the odds to overcome a massive toothy bastard. This chick really needs to stay the hell away from the water.

More of the Same

And that is about the most that can be said about Blind Waters. It is more of the same. A young couple rent a boat to spend a romantic day snorkeling on the reef and enjoying the sun. Only to encounter engine problems that leave them stranded in shark infested waters. Naturally there is a bit of a twist during the middle which plays into the title. But this is about as run of the mill as it gets. Blind Waters very much follows the usual pattern of these types of films. Get a couple of people out on the water and give them an excuse to get intimate with the business end of a shark.

I don’t know why the sharks are always so moody in these films. But it is what it is. Interestingly enough, it would seem that director Anthony Ferrante only works on either end of the scale when it comes to shark flicks. Ridiculously boring and slow paced or worldwide sharknados knocking down monuments and eating their way through everything in their path. He is a man of extremes I guess. Unfortunately, Blind Waters is not crazy and maniacal. It is the complete opposite. 

Boring and Slow

Rather than being ridiculous and “so bad it is good” like so many of these movies. Blind Waters is just extremely slow and very boring. More so than Shark Waters, to be honest. So much of this movie is spent bobbing away on the waves with nothing happening that it is hard to stay interested. The relationship between our main characters, Valentina and Weston, is dull. The characters aren’t particularly interesting and the side plot that takes up much of the time does little to create intrigue. There’s just no reason to invest your time in this movie.

Even the shark elements provoke yawns. There is no reason why the shark here is so completely pissed off. It’s just there to be a menace with no rhyme or reason. At least they attempted to create a story behind the aggression in Shark Waters. There is none of that here. The gimmick that comes into play later on in the movie doesn’t really add much. And opportunities to do more with it are completely squandered. There aren’t any tense chase scenes here. Tons of the time is spent focusing on mundane things. And the characters are so dumb that the only risk they are ever in is a product of their own stupidity.

I should add, as well. This movie is 100 minutes long. That is nearly two hours of two people shouting a lot and getting slightly damp. This movie would be outstaying its welcome at 70 minutes. Tagging on an extra 30 is literally insulting. It’s not as if we have legions of character development here. It is just the same things happening over and over again with very little variation. Blind Waters is a real chore to get through. 

Terrible Effects

All of this wouldn’t matter a great deal if the shark related thrills were competent but this is an Asylum movie. You know that the effects here are going to be the equivalent of someone playing around at home on Photoshop. The shark looks terrible managing to be ridiculously small and not at all imposing. It has a disconnected from the environment feel. As if they didn’t think they needed to bother with shadows. It looks terrible. Just as bad as it did in Shark Waters but with only one shark instead of six.

I wouldn’t even describe it as comical; it is just really really bad. There’s never any sense of threat here, either. Kills aren’t built up to or developed. They just happen. It is completely predictable and insanely boring. Deaths happen, pretty much, off screen as Asylum ain’t all about animating that shit. And wound effects look terrible. It’s all just very cheap feeling.

Sub-par Acting and a Bad Script 

Meghan Carrasquillo, as Valentina, is absolutely fine. She was decent in Shark Waters and does a good job here too. She emotes convincingly and is far too good for these low budget movies where nobody else gives a crap. Noam Sigler, as Weston, is hilariously awkward in parts. He really tries but comes across so wooden at times. His dialogue delivery was very reminiscent of the voice-overs from the original Resident Evil games. Managing to be both extremely cheesy and completely over the top. He gives it 120%, though, and has a great look for a movie like this. Francisco Angelini, as Gabe, looks pretty bored for the most part but comes on a lot in the later scenes.

The script is dog shit. Speech is unnatural and extremely basic. Characters often go into too much detail about what they are thinking, feeling, or doing. And the movie frequently resorts to cheesy one liners. Direction follows a similarly cheesy approach. Repeatedly cutting to character closeups so they can delivery lines that sound both out of place and a bit silly. Continuity is a problem with a ton of variation between shots. The movie looks okay, though. Asylum movies never look particularly low budget. Camera work is, often, decent and the colour palettes are bright and vibrant.

Final Thoughts and Score

Blind Waters falls onto the less energetic end of Asylum’s shark movie obsession. It is a slow, boring, and not very interesting shark movie with bad effects, limited thrills and a silly story. The shark looks shit, as is par for the course with Asylum, there are no scares, a serious lack of tension and no fun chase scenes. Blind Waters is content to bob around on the waves like a piece of driftwood. Plain, unremarkable, and of limited purpose. Noam Sigler’s over the top performance and the bad script does offer a few “so bad its good” qualities though so maybe you will find something to like there.